Cherry Bums and Dry Skin

My boss Stephanie is one of the most wonderful people I know. She has always been quite organized and sensible. That being said I think lately she is becoming more and more like me. I know she will read this and say "That's preposterous, More like Heather...Pffft...Never. Heather forgets to do stuff, she laughs at inappropriate times, and although I've trained her well she is NO VIRGO!"

I will not deny any of those things...I do forget, I always laugh at things that others might consider sick, or demented, and by Stephanie's biased definition, I am definitely not a Virgo. I know you may say that all this Virgo stuff is a bunch of hocas pocas, and it may very well be, but all the people I know that are born in that August 21st to September 21st period share this need to organize and innate knowledge of where things ought to be kept. Lately however my dear friend Stephanie has exhibited some signs of becoming more and more like me.

Example #1- Steph's meticulous attention to detail would in the past have been rivaled by even such people as Martha Stewart. She never missed a beat, and would be the first to strike out a spelling error on a note and correct it with the proper spelling..Even if the note was as simple as "Pleas pick up milk." She is reading this right now and saying "she misspelled please." But this week it was noted that on our charity box in our workplace where we collect people's small change and donate it to a charity, our meticulous manager forgot to put a charity's name on the box. The box read something to the effect of: The holidays are a time for great food and family. We do not charge for minor repairs, but we ask that you kindly donate." Donate to what? Stephanie's turkey dinner, the staff Christmas party (this is an inside joke by the way to anyone I work with..so enjoy) It was funny because this time of year people are usually generous and give, but our box was "prit near" empty..just some pennies and a couple of loonies which were probably donated by those who never cared to read the box. I even noticed a spelling error she made in our communications notebook at work..I jubilantly corrected the spelling and SHE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!!

Example #2- She forgot her brown shoes. This might seem silly to those out there that are not Virgos, but I have been "blessed" with a lot of Virgo's in my life, and I have to say they are all detail oriented, and very organized. I sometimes think I have been put on this earth to make Virgo's go crazy, but that is another blog in itself. Stephanie one day this week was dressed to the nines. She had on a beautiful purple sweater (and she will correct me with the exact colour name "it's Grape" she will say to me on Monday...and I will laugh inappropriately loud), and forgive my non Virgo-ness here but I do not remember if the pants were purple...or grape as well or if they were brown to match the brown accents in her sweater and the brown accessories..Hell I could have all these colours wrong..but work with me here I have a point. She had the outfit co-ordinated when she purchased it so it was important to her to wear the correct footwear to bring the outfit together. I did not notice anything wrong with her footwear, and I still think her shoes were just fine that she had on..but as soon as someone complimented her outfit was when I saw that she was deeply bothered.."Thank you, I got it in the states, but as you can see I forgot my brown shoes.. I was in such a rush this morning." Unless that person was a Virgo, I'm pretty sure they were thinking , "The shoes...oh yeah..they are black...and I guess maybe they should be brown, but I would have never noticed until she said that."

You have to know how much I love Stephanie. She is like another sister to me. I missed her when she was gone on maternity leave even if she is a Virgo. One of my favorite things I have said to her since her return is "Steph...I miss missing you." I say that when she is extra Virgo-like. O.K. on to example #3.

Example#3- I was going to just type this in the last paragraph to bother Stephanie. She would not have liked me to stray from my format, but even some of her Virgo qualities have rubbed off on me, and I could not bring myself to do it. So here I type it. The cookie. You have seen in a previous blog a cookie that resembles a penis. I showed this penis to everyone including Stephanie. The first time I showed it to her she snickered and had a little chuckle, but she also had some extra fun with this penis. I had put a cherry next to the penis. I thought it was funny and I admit a tad bit inappropriate, but Stephanie started to laugh, and said. "That cherry looks like a bum..." Fine...not so bad. Then she strategically placed the "bum" directly next to the "penis" and started to laugh. This is usually my job....to make the inappropriate even more inappropriate... This isn't all. The "bum" stayed next to the "penis" for over 24 hours. And I will tell you right now, the Stephanie I once knew would have laughed at it, and she might have placed the cherry there, but then it would have either been eaten, or thrown out...Instead she purchased some Glossette Peanuts and picked out any that looked like "bums" and placed them around the "penis" and the "cherry bum" and started quoting a commercial about a cream for dry skin.

Sorry Stephanie, but you are becoming MY mini-me. MUhahhahahahhahahahah...sigh...Mwahahahhahahahhahaha.... (Pinky finger on chin) Muhahahahhahahha. See you at work Stephanie..Don't forget your brown shoes!

Delicious Cock Soup

Ok..so as far as my own recipes go, they are usually a "make once" type of deal. I usually never write down what I have put into them, and just kind of experiment with what I think will be good. Today's recipe...Cock Soup.

I already forget what I put in it..but I will say it is delicious...I do know it has Two turkey breasts in it which I boiled off the bone in the broth, orange juice, coconut cream (which I made into coconut milk with the hot broth) and some frozen mixed vegetables. I think I may add some Jamaican curry to it. Cock soup should be spicy.

I promise this culinary choice has nothing to do with those cookies, I had planned on making cock soup all week... Just a crazy co-incidence. :)

Indecently Delicious

Written by Heather Joy Richards



You can imagine how touched I was to receive such a kind gift from a co-worker as a bag of homemade shortbread cookies. No one more then me appreciates such a delectable treat, but was the placement of the undeniably phallic cookie deliberate? Every other cookie was shaped as a star, or a heart, or a moon, or some other common cookie cutter shape...and then there were two or three cookies thrown in the mix that in my opinion..and the opinion of several other co-workers was shaped like a penis. I asked around, because I am the first to admit that I sometimes see things that others don't, but it was indeed not just I that recognized the shape as none other then the one eyed monster himself staring us right in the face. Now the co-worker that gave me the cookies is one of my favourite people. She is a German woman with no qualms about telling you exactly what she thinks, but what of this subtle gesture, this friendly little guy she threw in the bag of cookies? Here is some more background on this story. My co-worker also gave cookies to me to deliver to my dear friend Jason. His bag of cookies was notably different from mine, bearing no such indecently delicious cookie. I searched his cookie bag relentlessly to find even one that bore the resemblance of the male genitalia, but it was to no avail. He had no penis in his cookie bag, not even a small one, not even a remnant of a penis...no penis at all. His cookies were clearly and undoubtedly ordinary shaped cookies, that you could place on a platter at a wholesome Christmas gathering. Even stranger, there was a couple of cookies in his bag that were shooting stars, perfect shooting stars. The bottom part of the star that makes it appear to be shooting across the sky had a similar shape to the shaft of my penis cookies, but the top of it, was perfectly shaped as a star. In my bag, it was seemingly quite a different story. Every "shooting star" cookie in my bag was altered. I don't want to point fingers, but I have spent a lot of time with my cookie baking co-worker, and most of that time has been spent impersonating her German accent boldly to her face, and making reference to how she must be as a German lover. Could this be her brilliant attempt at subtlety? Could she be saying something about my behavior with this cookie? I picture sweet Iris in her kitchen, the oven preheated, the cookie dough rolled out. The shooting Star cookie cutter lay on the counter. She cuts a cookie. She laughs. "Dat Header is wery bad. I will teach her a lesson." She reshapes the top of the cookie into a perfect little penis. She laughs again.

When I asked Iris what cookie cutter she used to make these cookies she said "IT'S A PIGGY...IT'S A PIGGY...NO YOU A PIGGY!" I have to say she kind of looked guilty...but then again...if you turn your head the right way...and put your tongue in your cheek...I suppose it could be a piggy.

"She'd look good in a brown paper bag" --The Secret life of a Domestic Fraud

Written by Heather Joy Richards

Paper bag Cocktail Dress Designed and made by Heather Richards, Modeled by Kaleyna Allen.






Dressed to kill she enters the grocery store with one thing on her mind, looking good and not having to work for it. She has never lifted a finger if she could avoid it, but she wanted all to believe that she does it all, and looks good doing it. She always makes her famous aunt Mildred's (twice removed) exquisite cheese ball (found in the grocers refrigerator... pre-made of course)and the guests are reeling over how she always gets it perfect every time. Don't discount her skill at finding the most convincingly home-made pre-made entrees. That is a talent in itself. Her next stop the bakery department. She pauses at the muffin tins and laughs, "won't be needing these." On Second thought she realizes, perhaps she should have a couple laying around for atmosphere. The all time favorite Chocolate cherry cheesecake that she displays on the same bright red platter every year to accentuate the brilliant red maraschino cherries that adorn the top of this crowd pleaser. No one suspects that they too could present this rich delight as their own. She rounds the corner to the freezer section...International favorites...It's always good to have dishes from other parts of the world so that you appear versatile and cultured. Her renowned Jamaican pastries are certainly the talk of the town. The recipe acquired on her latest trip to the sunny beaches of Jamaica is the envy of all the ladies in her quilting circle. She heads to the baking section. One must always look the part. She picks up her yearly supply of Robin Hood Flour...Not so she can whip up a batch of Homemade chocolate squares..Oh no..the chocolate squares she found in the neighboring county store work just fine...but so she can sprinkle a tiny bit of flour on her chin..and say.."Oh my...I guess I was just in such a whirl today baking that I missed a spot in my clean up...How silly of me." She Works her way up to the front of the store where the fresh cut flowers are found. She quickly ducks behind a basket of flowers. It's Betty her neighbor and the town gossip. She can not be seen with her cart full of her "family recipes." But what is this? It can not be...Betty's Apple Strudel..the one she brags about...IT IS...She doesn't make that recipe at all...Dressed to kill, she waits for Betty to disappear..concocting a plan to reveal her as a fraud, not acknowledging that she is equally as guilty if not more. She chooses a pot of Gerber daisies as a centre piece and heads for the checkout, carefully scoping out the aisles for her arch enemy. This party will be the talk of the town..."I don't know how she pulls it off" they will say..."And so lovely...where did she get that cocktail dress...Only she could pull it off," ... "She'd look good in a Brown Paper Bag"

Unwilling to Fall

Written by Heather Joy Richards

The last leaf lay on the branch waiting to descend upon the earth and breathe the last breath of fall.
She had seen the spring of her life then it's summer and the autumn, now it was the winter and her time was near.
She was not ready to dry up and become part of the earth.
She was not ready to start the cycle again.
So there she lay softly on the branch of my tree.
Unwilling to fall.
I watched her for several days, wavering in the wind, hanging on to her home she had known all her life.
I sat and wondered if that would be me when I reach my final days.
Will I be ready to leave my world behind and start another cycle?
Or like the last leaf of fall, will I fear the winter of my life and hang on.
Unwilling to fall.

Imortality in Art

Written by Heather Joy Richards






My Art

Flows through me,
Helps me forget,
Forces me to remember.

Carries me away,
Brings me closer,
Inspires me to dream.

Introduces strangers,
Souls visited,
life breathed into objects lifeless.

I want to feel the rush of creating,
That is why I create.
I want my subjects etched in time.

Their souls captured in print.
So when they are only memories,
People who never knew them will say, She was kind, or he was intense.

Sparkle in their eyes,
sadness behind them,
joy,
grief,
pain,
elation,
celebration,
anger,
surprise,
awe,
wonder,
first times,
last times,
weddings,
births,
funerals,
deaths.

Not for money, recognition, or fame, but to make immortal our souls.
That is why I photograph. That's why I draw. That's why I paint. That's why I create. Place light in dark places, and Darkness amongst the light. Art.